Everyone is Sick of Hearing you Talk About Your Dreams

I was sitting in front of my computer, with my yet-to-be launched kickstarter project. Reading it over, fixing typos, making sure everything looked perfect. After ten days of this, it still wasn't. 

I slumped in my chair and turned to my husband with a long heavy sigh. 

"what? Did you launch it yet?" he asked.

"No, I just...I don't know what to do. I feel like..."

"Ugh!" he cut me off in exasperation. "Just do it already, no more talking about it!"

My first reaction was defensive. I'm just trying to make sure I do this right, this is a big deal!
But I knew he was right. There wasn't anything else to do. I was whining and worrying, and chewing my nails in anticipation, but the only thing left to do was finish. So I did. 

(This is where I do a small little self-promotion: My kick starter is up! I'm producing an interfaith children's book! Yay!)

Okay, I'm done now, thanks for indulging me. I'd love for you to check out my project, but this post is about what I learned in the process and what I hope can benefit you!

So here goes:

1. Everyone really IS sick of hearing you talk about your dreams- a good friend recently said that "dreams with no action plans are called fantasies". Day dreaming is fun, but if you're serious about turning your dreams into reality, you need to get out of your head and start doing something. Anything! Even a small step forward is better than standing still, and those small steps will lead to bigger ones as you get more comfortable walking the path.

2. The anticipation is almost always worse than reality- I've been a performer for a lot of my life, so I'm no stranger to stage fright, but this was unlike anything I had ever experienced. The fear was paralyzing, stunning, a deep, dark pit in my stomach. It's what I imagine it must feel like the moment before you jump out of a plane, "what am I doing? what have I gotten myself into? this is crazy!" But, everyone I know who has gone skydiving has said, that the moment after is pure euphoria. And when you touch the ground, you realize that worrying about the worse case scenario only served to keep you from that amazing experience. Sure, you need to make sure you have taken the right precautions, you need your parachute (ie, your practical game plan), you need your safety training, and a skilled guide, but once you have been strapped in, checked and double checked, and you are standing at the door, what's stopping you? The fear of jumping. It's the only thing left to do.

3.  Fear is Good- okay, okay, I know I just went on this whole thing about how you have to just jump over the fear. Yes, we have to do things in spite of fear, but fear itself is not necessarily a bad thing. It's only bad if you let it stop you. As I mentioned before, I've performed on stage in theater and as a musician many times. It's true that even seasoned performers still feel stage fright. Stevie Nicks once said,

“If you have stage fright, it never goes away. But then I wonder: is the key to that magical performance because of the fear?”

The anticipation, the stage fright is a rush of adrenaline. It's the chemicals rushing to your brain. It can be overwhelming, but remember, you have the choice, either run from the fear, or step into it. Let that energy fuel you, let the adrenaline seep out on stage (or through that speech you have to give, or pushing the button on your kickstarter). When you feel resistance, it just means that what you are doing is important, and you know it. Every leap forward feels a little uncomfortable at first, like growing pains. But that's what you're doing, growing.

So I'm here. I'm doing it. I'm jumping out of the plane. I may not set a world record, most people won't even know that it happened, but man, I'll remember that view forever.

photo credit: Parachute via photopin (license)

photo credit: Dreams via photopin (license)

Welcome to Self Sabotager's Anonymous

Time to get real. We all have dreams right? But sometimes those dreams, while being the thing that we look forward to, are also what we fear. Let's face it, dreams are scary. What would we actually do if our dreams came true? 

You might be thinking, "I'd be thrilled!"

But if you keep procrastinating and putting off your dreams into the realm of someday; if you constantly find reasons not to begin, or talk yourself out of pursuing your real passions, you might just be a self-sabotager. 

The truth is, we're often scared of our dreams, and in order to protect ourselves from that fear, we self-sabotage. It can manifest in different ways.

I recently realized what mine was. A few years back, I went to a self-improvement type seminar. The speaker was talking about the facades we put on for not just those around us, but for ourselves. They asked us to think of it in the form of a declaration, something we might say about ourselves, a phrase we use to define us. My phrase was, "I can do it myself." It came from a story I always remembered my mom telling me, about how I used to climb to the top of the juggle gym as a toddler, and yell at her, "I can do it myself!" if she ever tried to help me. I had a coach, who I talked to weekly and helped me dive deeper into some of these issues. She suggested that there was something more behind just wanting to do things myself, something more vulnerable. At the time, I didn't really get it, I think I said something like, "well, I guess I want to do things on my own because I don't want to burden anyone else." What a cop out! Do you see the hints of ego? The, "I'm so nice, I think about other people," of me still trying to look good even in my facade? I knew it wasn't authentic, but I couldn't pinpoint exactly what was, either.

The last few months, I've been in the crazy, life-altering world of making some of my dreams come true. Namely, I'm getting ready to self-publish my first children's book, a picture book about God and creation with an interfaith perspective, and from that, launching a publishing brand that can hopefully, eventually, help others do the same. Yikes, even writing that is spine tingling.

I'm in the arena, as Brene Brown would say, and when you are busting your butt in the arena of dream chasing, you learn your lessons fast. I've always had fear and anxiety surrounding just talking about my dreams and aspirations, and what I realized is that it's not that I don't want to burden anyone, it's not that I'm a perfectionist and have to have everything my own way, it's:

"If I tell people about this and then it doesn't work out, THEY'LL ALL KNOW I'M A FAILURE"

Oh yes. When it punches you in the gut, you know it's real.

My name is Laurel, and I'm a self-sabotager. My favorite drugs are avoidance and procrastination. I hoard my dreams because I am afraid of failure and of what others will think of me. 

How do you self-sabotage? (The first step is accepting you have a problem!)

Do you...

play down your gifts to make others feel more comfortable?

obsess about meaningless details in order to avoid bigger, scarier problems?

try to please everyone for fear of rejection? 

settle for less because of the fear of taking a risk?

The more we are able to recognize the ways in which we sabotage ourselves and the underlying reasons behind it, the easier it is to change our behavior. What's your self-sabotage method, and what is the fear that is driving it?

I'd love to hear your struggles with self-sabotage and how you overcome them. What's working for me at the moment, is singing this song to myself whenever the icky-feelings start to rise to the surface. If you didn't already have this song in your head while reading this post, now you do. You're welcome.

Let's Talk About Prejudice

I've been watching the news coming out of Baltimore like most people, with a sense of sadness and helplessness. Compounded with the actual events, is a conversation about race, prejudice, and discrimination, that often ends in frustration or complete shut down.

When I graduated from college, I served in AmeriCorps for a year in Paterson, NJ. For those of you who don't know, Paterson is a densely populated and diverse city facing many of the same issues of violence and poverty. It's also home to some wonderful people that I had the pleasure to know and work with during my time there. 

Let's just get this out of the way: I'm a white woman. Talking about race and prejudice is uncomfortable. I'm going to do it anyway. 

Part of my training for AmeriCorps, was day long seminars or workshops every few months. Usually they were about problem solving, or teambuilding, but the one I remember the most and often refer back to, was our diversity training. I remember in particular, this one exercise, that often rises up into my consciousness in times like this, and that I try to learn from and apply to my daily life. I share it here as my humble contribution to this important conversation, and for what I hope can be a point of personal reflection. 

So here's the game: 

Look at this picture and make up a story about this person:

Photo by Marco Cariglia/iStock / Getty Images

What is her name? occupation? where did she go to school? Is she married? Does she have children? What are her hobbies? What's her favorite movie? What is her relationship with her parents? Where did she grow up? Where does she live now? What are her political views? Is she religious? What religion? What does she wish for herself? Is she happy?

Don't hold back now...this is all for the sake of learning!

When we did this exercise in our diversity training, we all had a great laugh seeing and hearing the different stories. I was presented with a picture of a clean cut, 20 something white male with a peach sweater draped over his shoulder, standing in front of a white Mercedes. I gleefully named him, Bradford Harold Kensington Jr. 

Now, take a look at your story, how much of it is actually true? 

The truth, is that all we really know is that this woman is a model posing for a stock photo. None of us have any idea of what her story actually is. Same with dear Bradford, he was ripped out from an ad in a magazine. Bradford doesn't exist. 

We all make up stories in our heads based solely on appearances and preconceived notions. These stories are formed from many sources including our cultural upbringing, family, social status, media, and personal events and circumstances. 

We all have prejudice. The important thing to remember is that those prejudices are a story. They are not real. It doesn't matter whether or not the story is inherently positive or negative. The stories we made up about the girl in the photo, or that I created for Bradford years ago, were based completely on physical appearance and our own imaginations. They are OUR stories, not THEIRS. 

Before we can have a constructive and nuanced conversation about race, I believe we should first acknowledge that we are fallible. We hold prejudices that were instilled in us from a very young age either intentionally or inadvertently. We are capable of making assumptions, of making a snap judgement, and being wrong. But we are also capable of great compassion, empathy, and the ability to change our minds and to learn to do better the next time. 

Prejudice doesn't only extend to other people. Look in the mirror, what is the story you are telling about yourself? 

When we understand that our first impressions are just that, stories, we give ourselves the opportunity to change the narrative. We can tell a different story. We can be open to asking and listening when someone tells us their truth. 

You are the author. You have the power to change the story, but you first have to know that you are writing it. 

photo credit: Diversity Mask via photopin (license)

A Pep Talk for Moms Who Want to "Have it All"

With issues like wage inequality, and Hillary Clinton’s recent announcement for a presidential run, there are both amazing opportunities, and frustrating realities for women in today’s workforce.

In my experience, the biggest challenge has been balancing the demands of family and career. It’s the age old question, which comes first, the career or the baby? Women who choose to build up their career first, fear the ticking clock. Women who choose to have children first, fear losing their edge in the business world. The lack of maternity leave and childcare options in the United States often makes it more difficult to return to the workforce, or to opt in to motherhood in the first place. This is an issue that I hope will be at the forefront in the next election, but these changes take time.

I did the mom thing first. I had a couple jobs before my first son was born, but it wasn’t something I saw as a career, which probably made it easier for me to leave. I was a full-time stay at home mom for the first few years, and slowly (and I mean SLOWLY), started dipping my toe in the waters of freelance for part time work. Now, I’m about to embark on creating my own business (gasp! I still have to remind myself I’m not dreaming when I type that sentence!), something I love and that still allows me to pick up the kids from school every day. It can be done!

Some women choose not to have children at all. Some moms are happy to stay at home and never enter or return to the work force. All those things are great. For right now though, I want to address those women who feel the call of motherhood, but also have a tugging in their heart to pursue a career, a passion, or a dream beyond their family and children.  This post is to share a little perspective from my own experience, and to give a pep talk to those moms who feel hopeless about returning to work, or women worried about motherhood derailing their career.

Here’s why I think moms make great bosses (#mommyboss), and why you should never disparage the skills and experience you’ll gain while doing the job (yes, it’s a job!) of mom:

1. Moms know how to multitask: Not only do you know how to organize your own schedule, you have to manage the schedule of the kids, which depending on how many you have and how many activities they are involved in, is no small task! You can reply to an email while breastfeeding. You sweep the floor while singing someone to sleep. It’s all in a days work.

2. Moms are fast learners: There’s nothing like that three month boot camp when you bring home your first baby to teach you how to swim after being thrown in the deep end. You know how to figure things out as you go. No learning curve is too steep after successfully completing potty training! Let’s face it, none of us are ever really ready, but we adapt and learn how to survive through all of the ups and downs.

3. Moms know how to delegate: You learn pretty quickly as a mom, that you can’t do it all by yourself and still keep your sanity. You know that you need to get help from your partner, relatives, or childcare team. You learn to outsource the parts of your life that don’t work (I treat myself to laundry service when I’m in a bind, and often order out on days when I’m too busy or tired to cook), and focus on the places where you really shine. Basically, as mom you are managing a team of people and services whose purpose is to support happy and healthy kids. Think about that the next time you feel guilty about going through the drive-through!

4. Moms are no pushover: When it comes to your children, there is a Mama bear inside you that will bare her teeth at the first sign of trouble. You’ll find a fierceness you never knew you had, something that gives you the courage to stand up for yourself and those you love.

5. Moms put everything in perspective: Give me a difficult client over a screaming toddler any day! We know how to deal with unreasonable people. We also know, that the problems we face don’t measure up to the joy we have in our lives. As long as the kids are happy and safe, nothing we face is as bad as it seems.

“Having it all” can mean different things, everyone has to define it for themselves. Wherever you are in your life’s journey, whether you’re a mom or not, know that no experience is wasted if we turn it into an opportunity for growth and learning. Good luck mommies and future mommies, you’re already on your way!

This post originally appeared onmogul.com

Let Your Freak Flag Fly

Do you know what it takes to be an artist? Maybe it applies to other things too, a general life rule for sure, but especially for artists. If you do creative work and you are looking to inspire, stir up, or otherwise touch people in a meaningful way, then your biggest fears are your most powerful weapon. Here's what I mean...

Finding Your Voice

Have you ever wondered what it means to "find your voice"? It's a phrase you'll hear over and over if you are in any kind of creative career. The sentiment may vary to "your sound" if you're a musician, or "your style" if you're a visual artist, but the intent is the same. It's what makes you unique, exciting, and interesting. Everyone wants to have a fresh voice.

Finding your voice takes time and practice, but I'll let you in on a little secret of how to fast track the process: 

Your voice lies in the most vulnerable part of your heart. It's the place that you have built up walls around in order to protect. In the words of the indomitable Stephen King: 

“The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away.”

― Stephen King, Different Seasons

Have you ever tried to hide something about yourself in order to fit in? Have you ever been afraid of not being accepted? Have you felt insecure, fearful, or ashamed? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say, "Yes." We've all been there. But the very things that made you a "freak" in high school, or that you tried to hide so you wouldn't be branded as one, are the very things that are your tools for finding your voice.

Where is your secret heart buried? 

The Landmark is Vulnerability 

All throughout my school age years, I tried to hide the fact that I was born into the Unification Church. We lived in a rural, predominantly protestant Christian area, with no other families of the same faith. I didn't want to be different. I didn't want to get in theological debates or risk being seen as anything but "normal." 

My relationship with my faith has evolved over time, and continues to be something that I am constantly redefining for myself, but it wasn't until I started writing about it that I realized the very thing I had tried to hide and didn't want to be defined by, was the very thing that gave me my voice. It has allowed me a unique perspective on the world. It's what makes people stop and say, "whoa, that's something different," but this time, different is a good thing. 

I admit, even writing this now, I feel that twinge of unease. Are any of us ever comfortable with baring our souls so completely? With letting our hearts hang out in the wind? And yet, that's what is required of the artist. 

The thing you are most afraid of, is the thing you absolutely have to share. It's the thing that will resonate most deeply with an audience. Vulnerability is your tuning fork and your north star. I still feel the fear. I still get uncomfortable, but I know now that those feelings mean I'm on the right track. I am treading close to my secret heart.

Being an artist is the courage to share that secret, over and over again. We do it because we believe that art can make a difference, that finding my voice feeds my own soul, and encourages others to do the same. 

Show us your heart, show us your treasure. I can't promise it won't get broken, but I can promise it will be worth it.

photo credit: My friend Michelle West via photopin (license)